The conventional wisdom in the film industry is that a movie gets pitched on the trailer. You say "it's like this movie and this movie plus that movie but we'll get Megan Fox and it'll be in space" and then you describe the trailer to Mr. Hollywood Producerstein (HE'S JEWISH GET IT??) and then he cuts you the check to make the movie. Well, I'm experiencing a dearth of third-party check-cutting in my name, so here's a pitch for Moby Dick 2, the movie I'm trying to put together in collaboration with wealthy Hollywood types.
Before we begin, I would like to establish what I'm attempting to do here. Moby Dick 2 will, for canonical purposes, be a direct sequel to 1956's Moby Dick starring Gregory Peck. But it will also be a reboot, because I think we can all agree that the Moby Dick franchise has worn out its welcome among today's youth. So we will assume for the purposes of the story that the events in Moby Dick happened, but we're taking it in a new direction.
(We open on an underwater shot of the sinking Pequod in full CGI. There's some high, spooky female-vocalist singing. Maybe we get Enya.)
ISHMAEL (Shia LeBeouf) comes in on voice-over: "I've spent two years trying to forget that night."
(Shots of Ishmael walking down some dingy port street, in a loud port tavern sitting alone staring into his drink)
ISHMAEL V/O: "But some things you bury..."
(Tight shot of Captain Ahab (Jason Statham) sinking along with the wreckage. His eyes are closed.)
ISHMAEL V/O: "...just refuse to die."
(Tighter shot of Ahab's face underwater. His eyes open.)
(Queue epic music with lots of horns. Shot of Ishmael on the deck of a ship, turning around rapidly as the camera zooms in on his face and his eyes say "Oh no.")
(Shot of Ishmael sprinting across the deck of a ship as explosions and fire surround him. CGI splintered wood is flying everywhere.)
(Wide shot of the ship exploding, then cut to a shot of Ishmael floating in the water clinging to some wreckage)
(Shot of the camera, acting as the head/eyes for some kind of monster, approaching Floating Ishmael with terror in his eyes. Mechanical noises play.)
AHAB V/O (sound is processed and scary): Hast seen the white whale?
(This is his catchphrase and audiences really respond to it. The theater goes berserk)
NARRATOR: "Now, one man must cross the seas..."
(Shots of some awesome new ship that Ahab's gotten--maybe it has like 10 masts or something similarly awesome.)
NARRATOR: "To save those he loves..."
(Shots of Ishmael's love interest Sarah (Kate Hudson), a bustling and sunny port city, Queequeg (The Rock).)
NARRATOR: "And sail the world away from the edge of madness."
(Shots of cannon exchange between sailing ships, a bunch of whalers in a whaling skiff in stormy seas, Ishmael and Queequeg fighting 30 guys on a ship deck back-to-back. A ship explodes in slow motion, then fades to black. Music dies.)
(Shot of QUEEQUEG and ISHMAEL sitting together at a campfire on a deserted island.)
QUEEQUEG: "Did you hear something?"
(ISHMAEL looks at him with apprehension. There's a sudden explosion of noise and movement, and just for a second we see MECHA AHAB complete with four steam-powered metal legs.)
NARRATOR: "Next Summer..."
(Exciting, breezy and quick action montage accompanies the narrator. ISHMAEL and QUEEQUEG sprinting along decks, ISHAMEL kissing SARAH, QUEEQUEG swinging from a mast on a rope, MR. STUBB (Verne Troyer) dancing on a table with a tankard of beer and laughing.)
NARRATOR: "...the blockbuster of the decade is coming out of the water."
(Rapid sequence of high-tension action shots as the narrator speaks this next part.)
(On "blows," shot of Moby Dick himself jumping out of the water and breaching. Boats filled with men surround him in the water, showing the audience just how huge he is. He crashes down into the water in awesome CGI slow motion).
NARRATOR: "Shia Lebeouf."
(Shot of ISHMAEL, shirtless and musclebound, pulling on a rope.)
NARRATOR: "Kate Hudson."
(Shot of SARAH standing behind ISHMAEL and QUEEQUEG, who are facing a dozen enemies with their swords out.)
SARAH: "Men and their swords."
NARRATOR: "Jason Statham."
(Shot of MECHA AHAB pressing his face up close to the face of a terrified and cornered SARAH.)
NARRATOR: "And Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson."
(Shot of QUEEQUEG standing on the prow of a whaling skiff, brandishing a harpoon shirtless and tattooed).
NARRATOR: "Moby Dick: Ahab's Revenge."
(Shot of the movie's title and logo. Cut to a shot of a screaming, angry ISHMAEL hurling a harpoon. Final shot of the film's projected release date.)