Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Growth Industries

In an effort to keep my readers abreast of economic developments and ahead of the layoff curve, I thought I'd write up a few positions I see really blowing up in the coming year.

"But Tony, the only people who read your blog are your parents and they both have jobs." Thanks Mom and Dad for submitting a question! See you at Thanksgiving.

One of the world's great constants is reproduction. No matter what happens, people will continue to fill the world with new people and those new people will need education. Cutbacks and layoffs happen everywhere, but when people lay off teachers they feel really bad about it. So that's something. The big downside of this career path is pretty obvious: you have to be in a school all day every day for the rest of your life. Say that out loud. Pretty fucked up, right?

At first this section was titled "Police/Military," but I went ahead and assumed my readership wants to keep all their limbs. If you aren't particularly attached to your limbs or are excited about a possible future as a revenant cyborg, don't let me discourage you. 'Cause I ain't fighting. Anyway, the real appeal to a police job is the very economic climate that's giving you headaches. Think about this: half of the people who got laid off 6 months ago are still out of work. The unemployed in this country are increasingly young, male and desperate. What does this sound like? Sounds like a bull market for quiet desperation! As time goes on, this desperation will become less and less quiet. Begin your police training today, and invest in the civil unrest of tomorrow. And when our civilization eventually decays into a sun-bleached dystopia, consider this: why was Mel Gibson's character in Mad Max such a badass? Because he used to be a cop. Even his dog was a badass. I'm done here.

Most Dangerous Game
Do you love the great outdoors? How about pith helmets? With the yawning divide between rich and poor, demand for this position is at an all-time high. Physical and athletic qualifications are a barrier to entry for some, but as long as you can keep your body fat under 20% and maintain decent cardiovascular health you should be able to land interviews. This field has a lot of appeal because it's friendly to entry-level applicants. In a high-unemployment economy it's difficult to compete with established industry veterans, and MDG positions can sidestep these concerns. Don't aim too high when you look at openings--if your prospective employer has his own tropical island, it's a little out of your league. Believe in yourself, but be realistic.


  1. indeed despite the new york state budget blowing up, my cop job is reportedly safe.