Thursday, February 4, 2010

A Prudent Hire

Fox News to sign British pundit Prothero
Controversial British TV pundit Lewis Prothero will join Fox News as a contributor, the cable news provider announced today. The 54-year-old Prothero, an outspoken supporter of the Norsefire party in England and a bestselling author, will appear regularly on Fox to offer his insights and political analysis.

"I'm tremendously excited," said Prothero in a written statement. "The broad spectrum of programming available at News Corp lets us make an impression on an awful lot of people." Roger Ailes, President of Fox News Channel, said in a statement that "Lewis has fundamentally altered the debate in England and we can't wait for him to make a splash on this side of the pond."

News Corp sources were unable to confirm rumors of a prime-time slot for Prothero. Fox's lineup is crowded and extremely popular, offering the top 13 cable news shows by ratings. It's not clear where such a show would be placed or towards whom it might be directed, but Prothero is a big name abroad and would undoubtedly draw viewers wherever he was slotted.

"Lewis Prothero isn't moving thousands of miles for the occasional talking-head segment," insists NYU Media Studies scholar James Dorn. "This isn't a guy who'll settle for second place. Now, on Fox he may have to. But if you don't think a prime-time hour-long is in the works..." he laughs. "Well, you don't know the man. You'll hear his name and see his face. Believe me." Prothero's representation refused to comment.

But others aren't so sure. Prothero's far-right leanings make him a natural fit at Fox, but his strong nationalist and isolationist stands on a number of issues have already painted a target on his back. "He's got some fences to mend," chuckles New York Post Paul Peters. "I mean, the man's catchphrase for half his broadcasting career has been 'I'm a God-fearing Englishman and I'm God damn proud of it!' He'll have to build that credibility if anyone is going to take him seriously. It's not there right now."

As for Prothero's ideology, it too may prove a liability. He's an outspoken supporter of the wars in the Middle East, but the political climate of his homeland colors perceptions...even among his new colleagues. "England is a socialist kleptocracy," drones Fox anchor Brit Hume. "For God's sake, the government owns the hospitals! It's a health care apocalypse over there. I'm not sure I'm prepared to just welcome with open arms a man born, raised and bred in the iron grip of socialized medicine. On the other hand, I'm eager to meet him. It's been a long time since we had a military man in the halls." Prothero was a career officer in the British military, retiring to delve into journalism. He quickly changed his focus to broadcasting, and his meteoric rise in England has been well-chronicled, most notably here.

Owned by News Corp, Fox News Channel is a 24-hour general news service covering breaking news as well as political, entertainment and business news, and has been the most-watched cable news channel in the country for eight years running. It features the top 13 programs in cable news and can be seen in more than 90 million homes.


That last paragraph was plagiarized directly from the last paragraph of a Fox News article with a similar purpose. What a bunch of assholes.

I haven't written anything about the Big Upcoming Football Game Located In Miami. Did you know that the phrase "Super Bowl" cannot be uttered in a commercial venue without express permission from the NFL? That's why the phrase "big game" is tossed around so liberally this time of year. It's actually not just a shitty euphemism. Anyway, there's plenty of asinine crap written this week and I didn't want to add to it. I'll get my asinine crap in next week when there's game analysis to do. For now, let's all just reflect on how little we care about Archie Manning. My news aggregrator has been clogged of late with stories about how Archie Manning loves the Saints...but oh nooooo, his son Peyton is playing against them! He must be torn!

No he mustn't be. He's a parent. He's rooting for his kid like every goddamn parent in the universe. DONE. Story is over. But no, I'm supposed to read an article about this. Sports-related puff pieces are amongst the most wretched samples of modern journalism. I hope Rick Reilly just bursts into flames one day. Such an event would be....

Evidence that maybe God exists
This week at work, I had a great idea. I took some printer paper and made a little poster that reads "This site has worked (blank) days without an accident. BE SAFE!!!" The blank is a square outline the size of a large Post-It, and on that outline I place a large Post-It with a number written on it. I hung the poster in the middle of our cube row. Now, I work in an office full of nerds testing video games all day. A hazardous work environment it is not. In fact, it is probably safer than most offices. QA testers do not move rapidly as a general rule, and any collisions would be...well, let's use a physics term and call them "inelastic." There's some padding there, is what I'm saying. I work with fatties. For the past couple days I've been maintaining this poster. 0, 1, 2, and on (I thought) into infinity. I didn't even know what would constitute an "workplace accident."

This morning, the guy who sits behind me went to get a soda. He comes back with it in a plastic cup. He sets the cup down on his desk and turns to talk to someone. After a moment, he spins his chair around to sit down in it. The arm of the chair hits the cup, which pitches off the desk and into the chair. I swear every single molecule of Pepsi got out of that cup within 50 nanoseconds of impact. It was remarkable just from a fluid dynamics perspective, and I say that as a physics minor. A MINOR. Respect it. There was so much that it actually formed an inch-deep pool in the seat of the chair.

There is a moment of silence. The victim breaks it in pretty much the way you'd imagine, yelling "FUCK!" in a volume suited to the workplace. Another heartbeat; everyone is too stunned to say anything. After this heartbeat, what's the first thing this guy does? Storms over to my poster, which he has never before mentioned, and furiously tears the "2" off of it.


I was dying. It was so goddamn funny, and I could not believe the seed I planted only three days ago already yielded comedy fruit. And I didn't even need to do anything! Tomorrow we'll start the counter all over again, and the best thing? It's self-reinforcing! I guarantee the next time anyone spills something or face-plants, they'll reset the counter because this was legitimately funny. It was all very encouraging, and the blossoming of hilarity from a simple ironic poster should be considered evidence that a higher power exists. A god who only used its infinite powers to make the universe funny would be a neat god.

No comments:

Post a Comment