Thursday, February 18, 2010

Run, Dick, Run!

It was one of my life's sublime joys to see Dick Cheney at the podium of the Conservative Political Action Conference. The conference itself is a study in irony, given that "conservative political action" these days amounts to exactly nothing. I'm sorry, but obstruction is not really a legitimate pursuit. That's like me wedging myself into the frame of my bathroom door and yelling to the rest of the house I'M USING THE BATHROOM! Important business going on here; world, take note.

But Dick I can get excited for. The man's been around forever and has decades of admirable experience serving the U.S. Military under his belt. I don't mean serving in the military, but serve it he did. I have also served the military, albeit in a more literal role as a banquet waiter for the Navy during college. We have a lot in common, Dick and I, and we've got the scars to prove it! For example, there's one on my ribs that I got from some broken glass. I hear he has a real shiner on his chest; or rather, he did before getting the full Darth Vader pacemaker system installed. In addition to providing a modicum of protection against lightsaber damage, it keeps your ticker ticking!

Now, I'm not sure he'll run in 2012. He's said he's not interested in seeking the Presidency, but he's just being humble. Like in the new Star Wars trilogy when that nice old Senator really didn't want the Chancellorship because he's such a humble guy, but then he assumes the mantle anyway because it's what the galaxy needs. Whatever happened to that character anyway? Palpatine? Seems like a plot hole, but I was pretty stoned when I saw those movies and I may have missed something. In my defense, it was all medical because I needed something to quell the nausea. Anyway, I thought I'd look forward into the future with my Scrying Eye to see the exciting possibilities of a Cheney run for the White House. Yeah, I have a Scrying Eye. It's right next to my third nipple. No, you're not allowed to see it.

September 2011
Richard B. Cheney formally announces his candidacy for President of the United States of America. The announcement is made at his home on the banks of the river Acheron, in western Nebraska. Cheney is flanked at the announcement by his extended family, including his children and grandchildren. His daughter Mary's partner and their children wait in a cage to the left of the podium, as an example to the rest of the GOP. They are let out and warmly welcomed back into the family as soon as the cameras are turned off. Republican commentators dub the cage move a smashing success and Cheney's campaign gets off to a fast start.

December 2011
The candidate is immersed in preparations for the Iowa Caucus. Through regular meditation and extensive coaching from his handlers, he is able to project lightning from his fingertips for up to five full seconds. Cheney's advisors worry about the strain on his heart, but he reassures them that he is "beyond death, knifed through and into the quiet cold beyond." This is taken as a comforting statement.

January 2012
In the last open-forum debate prior to the Caucus, Cheney commits a minor faux pas by calling Mitt Romney an "[expletive]-guzzling New England fuckwit" on national television, then proceeding to pull his eyeballs out with telekinetic power from across the dais. This is seen by many in the left-wing media as an indication that Cheney is somehow unfit to hold office. National Review columnist Jonah Goldberg holds this up as "perhaps the finest debate performance ever put on by a major national candidate." Goldberg continues, "If he pulled that on Romney, you know he takes the War on Terror seriously. Thank God for Dick Cheney."

July 2012
Although the Republican National Convention has yet to be held, Cheney is the presumptive nominee. He has accomplished this through strong showings in several primaries, most notably Iowa and South Carolina. South Carolina had a huge impact, as it is the major primary state most comfortable with evil. The South Carolinian voters are satisfied that Dick Cheney does not have an illegitimate non-white child. Or an adopted one, because those are pretty sketch too. Adopted Asian babies are okay as long as you give them a name like Jack or Cindy. Later in the month, tragedy strikes the campaign. Cheney incurs an accidental paper cut while aboard his charter plane, and his blood melts through the fuselage before preventative steps can be taken. The cabin decompresses and all personnel outside the cockpit are asphyxiated. The candidate survives through what he describes as "old-fashioned gumption." His staffers' flesh is found flayed from their bones due to the low pressure in the cabin. Again, a tragedy.

September 2012
The Republican National Convention, originally slated to be held in Florida, is moved to the deep southern city of Dis at Cheney's request. Under normal circumstances the venue couldn't be moved at such short notice, but Cheney rips the entire convention hall out of the ground with his mind and transports it to his favored destination. The convention itself goes swimmingly, and the delegates are pleased to see that there are enough fat old wealthy white people around Dis to give a passable imitation of Tampa. The keynote address is given by Trent Lott to thunderous applause. He is enjoying a resurgence in national popularity, and the country as a whole agrees that the whole "segregation was a good idea" episode was overblown. Everyone's got some quirks!

October 2012
The race between Cheney and Obama remains close in the weeks leading up to Election Day. Why is this? Because Americans are idiots and can't decide what the hell they want. Anyway, both camps are expressing confidence. There are concerns among Department of the Interior officials, since Shoggoths have been showing up in National Parks and other federal lands with some regularity. Columnists in the major national newspaper (there's only one left: Murdoch's Wall Street Journal) reflect on the fact that not long ago, there were hardly any Shoggoths at all! How the times change. Cheney enjoys a major surge in popularity after he reaches through the ether and crushes the life out of Osama bin Laden with his mind from across the globe. Even President Obama is forced to acknowledge that it was pretty awesome. Cheney remains humble, remarking that he really wished he had telewaterboarding powers. He asks his advisers to "look into that Internet bullshit my grandspawn keep talking about," but drops it when informed you can't murder people that way.

November 2, 2012
Election Day! Sadly my Scrying Eye doesn't allow me to see the results of such momentous events. This is because I bought it at K-Mart, but you try affording the latest magical technology on a QA tester's salary! I'm just kidding, we're paid in S'Mores-flavored Pop-Tarts. I held out for Strawberry but you can't win 'em all. Pundits agree Cheney overreached slightly in the last days of the campaign, unveiling a new interrogation technique for the War 'Gainst the Moozlims (as it has come to be called). Lavaboarding promises to deliver the results that softer wuss-ball techniques can't always promise. Cheney even brags he could secure a confession for the Kennedy assassination plot if allowed to use it unhindered! This gambit backfires, however, because he makes the announcement during a really important episode of The Jersey Shore's fourth season. Snooki finally gets the procedure to move her buttocks to her chest as replacement boobs! The replacements were needed because she got her boob fat injected into her face. It wasn't a great move, but she was soooo wasted! Hah! (Aside: she is pictured at right, and seems to be in the wrong aspect ratio. That's not the photo. God created the world in 16:9, but Snooki was born in 4:3.) The interruption costs Cheney measurably in the polls, but experts from the newspaper and both print magazines still dub the race "too close to call."

We'll see what happens.

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