There's a message for you, sir!

From: Leon Romero (lromero@siegsand.com)
To: Cmd. John Shepard (jshepard@normandy.net)
Subj: RE: IRS all over my ass
Commander Shepard,
It is good to hear from you. Some time has elapsed since we last communicated and we at Siegmund and Sands were under the impression that you were, to put it bluntly, deceased. You were legally declared such and therefore your file was closed. We are sorry to hear of your recent tax troubles, but delighted that you appear to not in fact be deceased. Congratulations!

To answer your first question, you are required by law to pay taxes on all income and taxable holdings during all years for which you are alive. To answer your second, I'm not sure what kind of "fucked-up" world we live in. It is bracing at times, to be sure. If you have not paid the requisite taxes for the years 2183 and 2184, you are required to pay them as rapidly as possible in addition to penalties as specified by the IRS on your Schedule 14 form. If you would find it agreeable to resume our professional relationship (as you have not paid dues since you were declared dead) we can begin work on your past returns. Any documentation you have at hand for the years 2183 and 2184 would be much appreciated and can be relayed to us via Space Fax at the most convenient Mass Relay.
Best regards,
Leon Romero
Siegmund & Sands CPA

From: Cmd. John Shepard (jshepard@normandy.net)
To: Leon Romero (lromero@siegsand.com)
Subj: RE: IRS all over my ass
Leon,
Appreciate the prompt response. You answered my question wrong. I know what they want, but why should I pay taxes when I was dead? You missed this, I think. I was dead for two years. Now I am not dead. Those leeches want me to pay tax on post-death Spectre compensation? That is bullshit. If I am dead, I have no income. This is my argument. Make it. To them. On my behalf.

If they do not accept it and we must file nonetheless, I will retain your services. I regret I am short on any tax-related documentation for those years because I was fucking dead. And what's more, my ship blew up and everything got burned or blown into space. So no, I have not saved my goddamn receipts.

I apologize. I am having something of a Renegade day. I'll have my Yeoman put together some expense estimates and Space Fax them over. This girl has all the free time in the world, I swear. Managing my e-mail is not a full-time job.
-Shepard

From: Leon Romero (lromero@siegsand.com)
To: Cmd. John Shepard (jshepard@normandy.net)
Subj: RE: IRS all over my ass
Commander,
I regret that I was not entirely clear on your position vis-a-vis your personal death. However, I have made inquiries and it appears you have little recourse but to file for those years as back taxes. It may be possible to waive the penalties with some negotiation, but you are in my professional opinion likely to end up paying the full sum as asked. We will do our best to ensure that no extra tax burden falls open your shoulders and will mitigate your taxable income to whatever extent possible.

To that end, I have begun examining the documents Ms. Chambers forwarded to me. Via Space Fax. The proceeds from the sale of your Citadel apartment (condolences, by the way. I hear it was an excellent Presidium location) were taxed at the time to your estate, so you owe no additional tax and no property taxes for those years. I believe we can write off essentially all out-of-pocket expenses for the operation of the Normandy. While it was owned by the Alliance on lease to the Spectre program, we're considering it a company car for tax purposes and filling out the forms that way. Your situation does not fall easily into the mold of the tax code, I'm afraid. A sad shortcoming of a rigid system in an increasingly chaotic universe. Entropy, you know. But I won't bore you with my musings on the philosophical failings and resulting shortsightedness of the Intertellar Tax Code.

We'll keep moving through your documents as the very sociable Yeoman Chambers forwards them along. Please don't hesitate to bring any questions you may have to my attention. I've done my homework on interstellar superhero tax law, so I should be able to answer with authority. Incidentally, if you're curious about the tax code I run a blog devoted to it. I can forward the address if you're interested.
-Leon

From: Cmd. John Shepard (jshepard@normandy.net)
To: Leon Romero (lromero@siegsand.com)
Subj: RE: IRS all over my ass
No time for blogs, Leon. Reading outside of e-mail is a waste of time. Time can be spent jogging in space suits and talking to people. Doing favors here and there. Also have a lot of battle to do, which takes time. How much time depends on whether there are Scions. Take forever to die.

Loss of apartment was unfortunate but loss of life and ship and my hot Asari girlfriend was worse. Good to know I can skip out on property taxes; every year they hike them for those swanky Presidium schools. The councilors and bureaucrats move there for schools and they vote every year for higher taxes. For the children. I will probably end up shooting their children. I shoot a lot of people.

Next question, reviewing old reports: was the gear on the Normandy deductible? I know selling old guns and upgrades counted towards my tax liability. Corrosive Ammo II, who's going to document some crap like that? I should have dumped that shit out the airlock, saved myself the headache. But if it counted then, it's my stuff. I should get to deduct it as a business expense since it all got blown up. What do you think?
Regards,
-Shepard

P.S. I forgot. Cerberus never sent me a W-2 for either year where I was dead but being re-built. I had no personal income at all for that time. Can I just ignore it? So I don't have to list them as an employer until next year?

P.P.S. I know the IRS won't budge on this, but you should threaten them with violence from me. I'm a Spectre, I can tear things apart and shoot places up at any time without consequence. I won't do these things, but it might change their minds. I'm going for a "chaotic neutral" sort of thing and a healthy reputation as a badass would serve me well.

From: Leon Romero (lromero@siegsand.com)
To: Cmd. John Shepard (jshepard@normandy.net)
Subj: RE: IRS all over my ass
Commander,
I have received a response from the IRS, stating you must definitely pay for these years but that the penalties have been waived. They said being a Spectre counted as a special circumstance under which death might be claimed and rescinded. You lead crazy lives, after all, and it's hard for the paperwork to keep up. They do wish you'd have notified them of your need for a special-circumstance Death Exception (Form FN-92) prior to your claim of personal death. In the future, you may be able to save yourself some red tape. I confess I did not forward your threat of physical violence; I thought it unnecessary at the time and inappropriate over Space Phone in any event.

The weaponry and gear on the Normandy should indeed be a write-off and we've made a serious dent in your overall tax liability as a result. I thought you'd want to hear the good news. Your current employment with Cerberus is something we don't need to touch until the next tax season. Though if you were resurrected from the dead by their technology you might want to list yourself as a dependent of theirs, at least for the period in question. At the time time, it is likely that doing so would increase your total tax liability. If the "dependent" label does not accurately describe the situation, we'll speak no more of it. And since I'm a stickler for detail...while you can write off all the deuterium fuel you purchase for your company starship, you can't necessarily write off all the ammo you use on a given mission. Only the first two thermal magazines expended by each crew member are deductible. Apologies for the inconvenience; I don't make the rules.
All the best,
-Leon

From: Cmd. John Shepard (jshepard@normandy.net)
To: Leon Romero (lromero@siegsand.com)
Subj: RE: IRS all over my ass
I'm dependent on nobody. Even now I'm hesitant to write Cerberus in as my current employer since I don't really work for them. At least, that's what I tell myself in my Paragon moments. Still, there's no way to make the Normandy II work on paper without that declaration. It's hard to claim you've got a company car when you don't work for a company. I thought they had me over a barrel with that whole we-brought-you-back-from-the-dead angle, but the tax conundrum they've created means I really can't back out on them unless I'm willing to take a huge hit the next year. I swear they made the new Normandy twice as big just to seal the deal. I can't say no to something like that, but I can't keep this sweet machine without signing my soul over. And that Aussie minx Miranda, always in her office, always watching and filling out forms and...collating them all foxy-like. She's so far ahead of me on the facts and figures that I'll probably end up owing her a year's Spectre salary just for the privilege of having ridden on this ship. It's what I get for neglecting my accounting classes at college. "I'll never need to know this crap, I can spend all day at the shooting range!" Live and learn.

Thanks to you and your staff for all your help in preparing these returns. If I had to do it alone, the entire galaxy would be in peril. Well...it's still in peril. I'm working on it.
-Shepard.