Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Cougars, and some dorkery

On New Years Eve, my roommate and I went out to a couple bars in San Mateo. Rob does this because he legitimately enjoys smelling 30 people while he waits in line for the privilege of paying $6 for a glass of beer. I did it because doing so created a nonzero chance of having sex with another person. Not that I hooked up or even made an attempt, but I like to put myself in situations where positive-yet-unlikely things could potentially happen. For example, I go running several times a week on the off chance that I develop super-speed as the result of some crazy burst of cosmic radiation. I also watched The Jersey Shore hoping that somebody would punch the squeaky short chick in the face, and look how that turned out! Seriously, violence is wrong. But seriously, that girl had it coming. I can't decide if she more closely resembles a homemade hamburger that got left on the grill way too long, or a turd.

The first bar had five people in it. Two of them worked there and the other three were Mexican dudes who just sat there brining their mustaches in beer. Loud music, the principle instruments of which were the trumpet and accordion, blared from beneath a disco ball. I don't mean to be culturally insensitive (honest!), but the great musical tools of Mexican civilization are clown instruments. As in, instruments that you might imagine a merry clown playing as he gambols out from the hellish confines of a 40-year-old Volkswagen. I'm not trying to be offensive, but I'm succeeding in spite of that.

We left after a drink and went to a second place. This was much more crowded and lively. We managed to swoop in on some real estate at the bar, which was nice because getting a drink in that place takes forever. It's like trying to get a health care bill passed WHO'S WITH ME? UP HERE FOR TOPICAL HUMOR! YEAH! I'm sorry, Jay Leno's staying with us and he just tried to hijack my blog. I had to beat him to death with his own shoes. Back to the bar: once we'd been there for a spell, a crew of three ladies and a gentleman came by and took seats next to us. There was a couple in their late 40s, a woman in her late-thirties and another in her early thirties. The youngest (woot) stopped and stared at me quite obviously. There was an uncomfortable moment before she blurted out, "Are you an actor?" Nope. "I feel like I've seen your face!" I'm sorry, we haven't met. I'm Tony.

She introduces herself. If you think you know where this is going, you are wrong. I start to say something, but she's talking to her cougar wingmate:
"Doesn't he look like someone?"
"He does! Someone famous!" They think for a moment.
"Oh my god, it's Scooby Doo!"

This had gone south with surprising speed. I asked them whether they meant Scooby Doo the dog, or perhaps the man who owns the dog? In retrospect there was no answer to this question that would have made me happy. It turns out they meant Shaggy. Which I guess is positive; after all, the man does solve mysteries. He contributes more to society than I do. I was prepared to swallow this indignity and move on, but the next few passers-by were regaled with shouts of Hey look it's Scooby Doo! They didn't even clarify they meant the owner, not the dog. I didn't stick around for too much longer, and in any event I had to finish Uncharted. Rob admonished me later for passing on the opportunity, but that man would throw down with Bavmorda if she gave him a look. Do not want.


And speaking of Bavmorda: time for dork stuff! I give you Volume 1 of a new series:

Classic Films in Leetspeak, vol. 1: "Willow"

This is a story about a n00b who becomes a pro. This midget called Willow lives in the woods and finds this big person baby. His kids are like "ZOMG" but he says "no wai, big people FTL." He takes it to the midget town where this badass wizard is picking a n00b for next year. Willow takes the test and the wizard is all "FAIL" but then he's like "u were pro all along." Willow and some other midgets take the baby to the crossroads where they meet Val Kilmer. But in this movie he's called Mad Martigan. He's in jail and he's asks "plz lemme out" but the midgets just say "QQ moar." Then they ditch Willow and he lets out Val Kilmer and gives him the baby. But then some fairies steal the baby and Willow's like WTF so he chases them until this hot-ass chick appears. She gives Willow the baby and talks about some wizard chick and says "take dis wand to dat bitch."

Willow meets up with Val Kilmer in some bar where he's pretending to be a girl. But this big dude comes in and yells "Tits or GTFO" and he has to GTFO along with Willow. So Willow finds this wizard chick but it turns out she's like a squirrel or something? She wants him to turn her back into a hot-ass chick but he can't and she's like OMFG u fail. The evil bitch-queen Bavmorda's henchmen show up and grab everyone. They take them to jail, but the fairies break them out. Then Val Kilmer sees the queen's daughter (who is hawt) and he's like OMFG cyb0r? But she's like no, GTFO. Val Kilmer escapes and rides to safety in a snowball.

They meet up with these good guy soldiers and ride to this castle with the baby. She's gonna be safe there but NOPE because there's trolls and stuff, and Willow's all "I h8 trolls." The bad guys attack the castle but Val Kilmer fights them off while Willow tries to pro it up and fix the wizard chick. He just makes this dragon instead, which is cool cause it eats the bad guys but bad cause it eats everybody else too. Willow throws magic acorns at it but it's like RU srs? Val Kilmer saves him and totally roadhouses the dragon.

Now the good guy army goes to the bad guy base. Bavmorda comes out and they're all "give up!" and she's all "LOL U R PIGS LMFAO" and they turn into pigs. Willow is safe and he fixes the wizard chick and she fixes everyone else. Then they fight the bad guys. There's this huge battle with dudes dying everywhere and Val Kilmer's bro dies and they're like "I <3 U 4 EVA." So he goes nuts and starts killing the shit out of the bad guys like "I'm up in ur base killin ur mans." The good guys run up the tower and Bavmorda has the baby and she's like YOU'RE TOO LATE I SET US UP THE BOMB. Willow grabs the baby and goes "now he's gone roflcopters" and the baby is totally gone. Bavmorda yells OH NOES and knocks over a bowl of acid that like melts her or something. Then Willow pulls out the baby because he was J/K all along! He goes home and everything is awesome and the wizard says he's finally a pro the end.

FIN, though I know Waldo's long since declared TLDR on this post.

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