Sunday, January 24, 2010


I Totally Fought a Dog
Not like Mike Vick, though. He did it for money and that's wrong. Seriously, I was accosted by a dog while out running last week. Somebody forgot to close his front gate and suddenly I have a barking snarling mass of fur chasing after me from across the street.

It wasn't a big dog. If it had been, I would have figured out something else. As it was, the thing couldn't have been much over 30 pounds. It wasn't a fearsome beast; it was just being an asshole. Now, I don't really know what you're supposed to do in these situations. Probably just keep running. But I was listening to the musical stylings of Static-X, and Wayne Static won't tolerate no cuttin' 'n' runnin'! I had my dander up and I wasn't about to be intimidated by this stupid dog.

As it got close, I turned on it and just roared in its face. As loud as I possibly could. And it worked! The cur stopped in its track and suddenly looked very confused. I advanced on it, screaming curse words and pointing back at the yard from whence it came. And I'll be damned if the thing didn't turn right around and bolt back to the yard. It squeezed through the half-open gate and stared at me through the fence. VICTORY.

The downside was this: there was a car in the road that slowed down so as to not run the dog over as it crossed. The driver and passenger saw everything and they were looking at me...well, basically in the same way the dog had looked at me. "What the hell was that?" So I felt awkward, but I maintain I was in the right here. That dog wasn't a real threat; it was merely fronting. And maybe you're not supposed to intimidate the local fauna, but let's face it: I am way bigger and stronger than that dog. By the rules of the Animal Kingdom, I am superior and I get to yell in its face. I think that's how it works.

So that's my latest running story. Tune in the next time Tony does battle with jeering children or small animals!


On Television
The NBC late-night kerfuffle has been pretty entertaining for the last week or two. At the very least, everyone should acknowledge the positive in all this: for two weeks, Conan's show was actually worth watching. The situation really couldn't have worked out better for him. He's getting paid to not host a TV show, and his stock is boosted by the combination of good press and the fact that people who never would have watched his boring-ass show actually tuned in for the funny stuff at the end. If all you ever watched of his Tonight Show run was the last 10 episodes, you'd be outraged at NBC for dumping this comic genius. But it just wasn't funny. That's the honest truth and maybe now Conan can get back to entertaining people who appreciate him. He'll never do this because they can't pay him a bazillion dollars, but the best choice would be an hour-long show on Comedy Central after Colbert.

Think about it: he gets his midnight time slot. He could move back to New York. He's on late night cable, so they can let him say and do anything he wants. Colbert's audience is large by cable standards and they're likely to enjoy Conan's humor. Finally, Stewart-Colbert-Conan is an unstoppable two-hour juggernaut of nightly comedy. It would be excellent. But I doubt it will ever happen. He'll end up at Fox, whose late-night talk show hits in recent years have included the hosting talents of Chevy Chase and Wanda Sykes. Kiss of death. You have an assload of money, Conan. You'll never top the Tonight Show no matter what you try to do, so do the right thing and just be funny for the rest of your life.


Best Worst Movie Trailer

Apparently this movie is periodically screened in Los Angeles as an audience participation event like Rocky Horror. This makes me happy, because somebody out there needs to support and appreciate something like this. Lord knows how Mr. Tommy Wiseau got the funding to pay people to make this movie, because his "production company" has an animated logo made on an Apple IIe back in 1992. It is possible that this "production company" is in fact a front for drug smuggling or money laundering or some other kind of illicit activity that Mr. Wiseau is involved with, and they needed to make this movie to pass an audit. Probably not the case, but I think the possibility needs to be floated.

Tommy Wiseau stars in the movie in addition to writing and directing it. If you are ever in charge of a creative project, insert yourself into as many roles as possible. This is a sign of creative genius. Mr. Wiseau has remarkably combined the acting talent of a 1970s porn star with Arnold Schwarzenegger's accent circa Conan the Barbarian, then topped it all off with the wig of the aforementioned 1970s porn star. The overall package is nothing short of a triumph. My favorite moments:
**0:23, "I would do anything for my girl!" It sounds like during the line, Tommy starts cutting a really long, silent fart and carries it through to the end of the line. So he's trying to deliver as best he can, but the fart is also really warm and that distracts the hell out of him. His accent falls apart almost as bad as James Worthington's during the second half of Avatar.
**0:48 Just two bros chillin' on a bluescreened rooftop. With a football and a sleeveless shirt, 'cause that's what bros do. Also, why do Tommy's clothes always fit him really badly? Was it just a bad week with slim pickings from the Goodwill?
**1:15 "I told him that to make it interesting." His wife is evil, if you're confused so far. He gives her flowers and he's like VEE AHH EXPHAYKTINK HAH HAH HAH but she'll have none of it. That bitch.
**1:25 "YOO AHH TEAHING ME APAHHT, LEEZA!" Money line. Brings the house down. And BAM, the T.V. falls and breaks. SYMBOL!
**1:45 The ending promotional material is priceless. "Experience this quirky black comedy! It's a riot!" Yeah, that's what I got from this trailer. Clearly this is a comedy. A black comedy, because nothing that happens is directly funny. It's just that I imagine at the first screening Mr. Wiseau noticed that the whole audience was laughing. They were all laughing their asses off and he realized the incredible truth: he'd made a comedy so brilliant that not even he--its creator--knew it was a comedy! This is the real creative process, and God damn if it's not rewarding to see it all pan out like this. Brings a tear to my eye.

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