Thursday, January 14, 2010

Making a Difference

It's difficult to write a comedy blog in the face of legitimate tragedy. I do my best to find a humorous angle for anything; some topics are more difficult than others. Today I'm writing with a heavy heart, and it'd be much appreciated if my readers could move themselves to action on this. I wouldn't tell anyone what to do or how much to donate--I'm hardly a philanthropist and I don't really know that much about these things.

So I'm appealing to you on behalf of people in terrible circumstances not of their own making. Their lives have been permanently altered and frankly many of them will never recover. They'll muddle along as best they can, but let's face it: many lives have simply ended in senseless tragedy. We can't bring them back. We can only do our best to improve the lives of those who survive. To make things a little easier on them, even if our contributions seem meaningless in the face of disaster.

I speak, of course, of those suffering from Hero Amnesia. These brave men and women have woken on the shores of some deserted island or bedridden in the homes of generous small-town Good Samaritans. They wake with nothing: no knowledge of who they are or how they've found themselves in this situation. They have only a simple weapon with no stats to speak of, and perhaps two Health Potions. Certainly they have no magical powers, and whether they ever had them at all is an open question. These people have had more than their memories erased; their entire identities have been put to the torch and it'll be a long hard road to recover...if they recover at all.

Take a look at the man above. He is Cloud Strife--a victim of Hero Amnesia. One of the worst cases we've ever seen. It has taken not only his identity and his sweet-ass's taken his fingers too. His brick-like appendages can barely grasp his comically over-sized sword. Not only is his physical plight pitiable (3X alliteration bonus), but we can clearly see in this image the lengths to which his condition has driven him. He's reduced to traversing narrow and unsafe rope bridges over bottomless chasms, simply to reclaim something that most of us take for granted every day: our identities. Our pasts.

Now let's consider this man's story. He was robbed so completely of his being by H.A. that he doesn't even have a name. Even Cloud was granted that small luxury by fate. The Nameless One, hideously scarred, will make his way through a bizarre and horrifying world about which he knows nothing. His life is threatened at every turn, and he will probably die. If only he could remember his past and the cosmic rules of the twisted place in which he finds himself, he might have a better chance at survival. For what do heroes do when confronted by challenges and mysteries? They attempt to conquer them, throwing themselves unwittingly into a game where there is no easy way out. The man pictured at right has survived thus far only through the aid of demons and floating skulls. These kinds of supernatural horrors--things that would drive to madness the unwarded minds of men (3x)--are commonplace on the hazardous roads these heroes walk.

This man is John Chaser. He knows only his name, and he is a poster child for Hero Amnesia. His inability to process the world around him leaves John unable to resolve the various conflicts he faces. Like lemmings, hundreds of identical black-suited minions have surged into his gunfire. He leaves a trail of bodies and spent casings behind him, and he feels nothing at all for it. Why? Because he can't remember why they're trying to kill him in the first place. He can't make any sense of it, so he plows gamely ahead. Godspeed, John Chaser. May someone hear your need.

Many and varied are the obstacles these brave souls face. Whether they've lost their memories to injury, dark sorcery, reincarnation, immersion in the Lifestream or simply the needs of the plot, their needs are much the same and you are in a unique position to aid them. Not only must they restore their memories; they must also locate and defeat a world-threatening foe. Perhaps the very same foe that took their memories to begin with! This journey is never quick or easy.

For just 70 cents a day, you can make the difference in the life of a amnesiac hero. Your tax-deductible donation goes to support Cloud, The Nameless One and countless others like them. It will help them purchase armor, weapons, potions and even Materia. In the process, you will be helping to stimulate the depressed economies of many sleepy idyllic towns. When you make your pledge, we will send you a photograph of your hero along with a description of his powers and the combat system in which he will operate while laying waste (with your help!) to his enemies. Every month you will receive another update, keeping you appraised of crucial information such as your hero's current level, number of Hit Points and current Skill Tree specialization. If he picks up a really sweet belt, you'll know. If he invests himself in some kind of dual-class specialization, you'll know that too. Finally, if you so choose, you may take the opportunity afforded by these updates to write back to your special hero. You can offer encouragement, advice, or simply share the details of your daily life. We are committed not only to helping those in need, but also to fostering communication between people of different backgrounds. If you feel your hero has made some sub-optimal choices in his stat allocation or weapon selection, you can share those feelings. If you want to share the erotic fan fiction you've written about your hero with him (instead of limiting yourself to message boards!), you can do that too.

Remember, all of us have the ability to make a difference when it comes to Hero Amnesia. It's simply a question of choosing to help. We've done our level best to streamline this process and make it as easy as possible for concerned citizens such as yourself to sponsor an amnesiac hero. Your donations are handled and converted to the relevant currency (gold coins, Gil, Septims, whatever the case may be) by our professional staff. Once again, all donations are fully tax-deductible, and our call center staff is on hand 24/7 to answer your questions. Heroism is, at its core, all about choices. Make the right one, and pledge your donation to fight H.A. today. Remember: sometimes, even heroes need help.

Thank you for your time. God Bless.

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